Remember when you were dating and you thought it was amazing that your husband had such a great relationship with his siblings or his parents? That warm, fuzzy feeling that swung the vote in his favour because you thought he was such a great role model for future children or that you thought it showed great strength of character. He was a total catch! Now the honeymoon's over. Have you come to the conclusion that you've married a mama's boy and it seems to be sending your relationship in a downward spiral?
 
Don't fear, there are things that you can do to help your situation. Caution to those who think this is an easy task and you can just tell "mama" where it's at or your man that you won't tolerate his putting his mother above your needs. It will be a challenge to keep your focus but it can be done. Do you fluctuate between a love/hate relationship with him over his dominating mother who for some reason feels threatened by you and wants to remain the number one woman in her son's life? Are you sick and tired of his dependancy on his mother and his displays of immaturity?
 
Before you lose your cool and decide to have it out with either one of them or kick them to the curb, you will need to gain a better understanding of the relationship and identify the signs.

• What mom says goes. If she beckons, he always responds no matter what you would like to do. He either can't say no or can't respectfully schedule her request for another time.

• Both he and his mother want daily contact or nearly daily contact with each other via phone or in person.

• Mom comes first, whether you clue in fast or you realize this later. He always chooses his mom over his wife and children, if he has them. His decisions and actions reflect what's best for mom ALWAYS.

• He never moved far away from his mom on a permanent basis, or he still lives with her (and now so do you). Enables him to be conveniently close at hand; besides which, an umbilical cord is only so long.

• He has trouble making decisions without his mom, he asks her advice constantly or more importantly, he seeks an approval from her. Her might expect you to baby him and give special treatment is order to assuage self-esteem issues or because he's been used to that from his mama.

• One thing that might get overlooked is that he might have financial ties to his mom and he may feel that he's on a short leash with her. 
  

 
Okay, so now that you've established that you are definitely, undeniably married to a mama's boy; you have to determine how much you are willing to tolerate and how much you can't. You may be okay with the phone conversations provided that you still have time with the two of you uninterrupted in the evening but you draw the line at his discussing problems with his mom that should be discussed between the two of you. Set your boundaries and be vigilant. Veto the suggestion that you live in the same house with your mother in law if it's not comfortable for you; but choose a home that's reasonably close. (especially if mom is elderly or alone in the house) Setting boundaries doesn't mean that you can't arrive at some sort of satisfactory compromise.
 
NEVER EVER blurt your feelings out to your mama's boy or your mother in law in anger without giving it thought. Your biggest role in this will be your ability to keep the peace and not make a large issue of the relationship. This means holding your tongue from time to time when the line gets crossed.
 
How do you hold it together and not go ballistic??
 
Work on yourself and develop your likes and hobbies. Find a focus that takes you down a more positive path. Set your limits with your husband - not his mother and stay strong in the face of adversity.
 
If you find that you're resentful because you feel that your relationship with your husband should take center stage in your life and that you should be number one in his life; then it would be beneficial for you to have some personal goals of your own. Make yourself your top priority. Get a little selfish. Work, get a hobby, and have interests and relationships with friends and family outside of the one with your husband. He needs to recognize that you’re independent, and if things are not going to improve that you could leave if he continues on this path. He will learn, by your example, not to neglect you and/or ignore your needs by you not clinging to him or expecting your happiness to come from him.
 
Don't nag your husband about spending more time with you or choosing you over his mother. You will just hurt him by putting down his mom and his role as a husband. These hurt feelings can turn into resentment, which is poison to a marriage.

Set your limits in a kind manner, never in anger. It may be rocky during this time, but remain firm and kind. Do not feel guilted into attending multiple function or giving in, especially if you have continued to be kind to the family and parents. Explain that you need a bit of time to yourself but if he wants to go to the fifth family function in 2 or 3 weeks that he's more than welcome to go; but you are needing some down time.
 
Tougher yet to deal with is the tension and jealousy between the mothers and the wives who marry their sons. Take the moral high ground, often difficult, but it will work out better in the long run. Remaining cordial and respectful to the mother of the man you are married to is the only solution. If you go head-to-head with his mother, you will NOT win. You don't have to be in each other's face all the time. You just need to be polite and courteous. Maintain some distance and allow yourself some breathing space or you will begin to resent the intrusion into your life. Visit from time to time though, not going at all will bring on a whole new level of the "guilties" from both your husband and his mama.
 
Finally,  your husband will be the swing vote in whether his attachment to his mom breaks your marriage or not. He may or may not be aware of it, but making you his main priority, growing up, and breaking away from his family of origin is good for him in terms of personal growth. A man cannot be both a husband and a mama's boy because the two directions are polar opposites. He will always be torn in two different directions.

Acceptance to the newly set limits and developing your own family will make huge inroads to your ability to have a happy marriage. If he doesn't, you need to be prepared to walk out of his life. Often this last straw is the catalyst to having your mama's boy start to get his act together and sever the umbilical cord. He must be willing to do the work for himself and for your new relationship. It's great to be close to your family roots and origins; but there are some boundaries between that and the new family unit that must be respected. In short, he must cut the cord; not you.
 
So if your mama's boy is still hanging off of mommy's apron string and you're getting fed up with the intrusions in your marriage; it's time to roll up your sleeves and take stock of the situation. For his part; he can be torn and miserable for the rest of his married life by not taking action and forming his own boundaries,, in turn, suffering the consequences of watching his wife say good-bye and moving his belongings back home to his mama. OR he can move forward fully committed to the well-being of his relationship with his new family and still enjoy a healthy and balanced relationship with his mother. His choice.