Why is my child acting out in anger?
 

Handling children's anger can be puzzling, draining, and distressing for adults. In fact, one of the major problems in dealing with anger in children is the angry feelings that are often stirred up in us. It has been said that we as parents, teachers, counselors, and administrators need to remind ourselves that we were not always taught how to deal with anger as a fact of life during our own childhood. We were led to believe that to be angry was to be bad, and we were often made to feel guilty for expressing anger.
 
It will be easier to deal with our child's anger if we get rid of this preconception. Our goal is not to repress or destroy angry feelings in children, or in ourselves, but rather to accept the feelings and to help channel and direct them in a constructive way.
 
Parents and teachers must allow children to feel all their feelings. Adult skills can then be directed toward showing children acceptable ways of expressing their feelings. Strong feelings cannot be denied. Angry outbursts should not always be viewed as a sign of serious problems; they should be recognized and treated with respect.
 
To respond effectively to overly aggressive behavior in children we need to have some ideas about what may have triggered an outburst. Anger may be a defense to avoid hurt feelings; it may be associated with a failure of some type, low self-esteem, and a feeling of isolation; or it may be related to anxiety about situations where the child feels that they have no control.
 
Angry defiance may also be associated with feelings of dependency, and anger may be associated with sadness and depression. In childhood, anger and sadness are very close to one another, and it is important to remember that much of what an adult experiences as sadness is expressed by a child as anger.
 
Before anything else, we should distinguish between anger and aggression. Anger is a temporary emotional state caused by frustration; aggression is often an attempt to hurt a person or to destroy property.
 
Anger and aggression do not have to be words with a negative feeling. While looking at aggressive behavior in children, we must be careful to distinguish between behavior that indicates emotional problems and behavior that is normal.
The primary goal in dealing with angry children is that our actions should be motivated by the need to protect and to reach, not by a desire to punish. Parents and teachers should show a child that they accept his or her feelings. From that point forward, suggesting other ways to express the feelings in a more positive way. It is not enough to tell children what behaviors we find unacceptable. We must teach them acceptable ways of coping. Also, ways must be found to communicate what we expect of them.
 
Positive reinforcement to constructive behaviours is an excellent way to teach them a more acceptable way of coping with their feelings. Contrary to popular opinion, punishment is not the most effective way to communicate to children what we expect of them and very often creates further feelings of isolation and frustration.