What is Relationship Abuse? 

Relationship Abuse is a pattern of abusive and coercive behaviors used to maintain power and control over a former or current intimate partner. It means more than being hit by the person who claims to love or care about you. The abuses can be emotional, psychological, financial, sexual or physical and can include threats, isolation, manipulation and intimidation. Abuse tends to escalate over time. When someone uses abuse and violence against a partner, it is always part of a larger pattern to try to control her/him. 

If you are being abused by your partner, you may feel confused, afraid, angry and/or trapped. All of these emotions are normal psychological responses to abuse. To blame yourself for what is happening is a common response to the abuse. No matter what others might say, you are never responsible for your partner's abusive actions. All forms of abuse are not caused by alcohol or drugs, stress, anger management, or provacation. It is always a choice to be abusive.

If you are being abused or think you are being abused, you should seek help immediately. Within your community there are programs in place so that you can seek out safety, information and therapy.

Understanding relationship abuse can help you know if you or someone you know is a victim of relationship abuse - male or female. Relationship abuse is a pattern of abusive and coercive behaviors used to maintain power and control over a former or current intimate partner. An abusive relationship means more than being hit by the person who claims to love or care about you.

Many survivors find that emotional abuse is difficult to name or even talk about. They often wonder if it is serious because it isn't visible or tangible, like bruises or broken bones. Emotionally abused survivors state that one of the biggest problems they face is that others seldom take it seriously. It's elusive to target as the person being abused and seldom given the proper consideration by those who are close to you unless they see the pattern evolving. 

Signs of abuse can be difficult to recognize, especially from within a relationship. Friends, family members, and colleagues may often be the first to notice signs of being in a controlling and abusive relationship. These are signs or "red flags" to assist in identifying whether you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship and can also help identify a potentially abusive person.

Abusive relationships seldom begin with physical violence but rather incorporate numerous methods of one person exerting power and control over another. There are some common ways that abusers control their victims and the trick is to identify them as such. Abuse can be so much more than physical or sexual violence.

The reality is that there are many barriers to finding safety from an abusive relationship. Leaving can sometimes be dangerous and there are many factors that an abusive partner can use to keep the victim from leaving the relationship. Understanding these issues can better assist someone to help a victim out of an abusive relationship. There may be more than one of the following barriers in place in any given abusive relationship.

• Economic necessity

• Isolation: from friends, family, community support, resources

• Fear: of retaliation; of being alone

• Threats: the abusive partner may threaten to commit suicide or hurt their partner/children, other loved ones and/or pets, threaten to call INS (Immigration and Naturalization Services), threaten to take the children, threaten to “out” their partner to family or coworkers…

• Lack of resources or information about available resources

• Shelters are full

• Love and concern for partner’s well-being (fear that partner will be arrested, imprisoned, deported etc.)

• Hope/belief that partner will change

• Culture/ religion/ family pressures to stay together

• Shame and guilt

• Depression

• Belief that the abuse is their fault

• Immigration status: fear of deportation without partner’s support, fear of separation from children, law enforcement etc.

• Children: desire to provide them with a two-parent home, custody concerns etc.

Friends, family members, and colleagues may often be the first to notice signs of someone being in a controlling and abusive relationship. Knowing the facts about relationship abuse and the resources available will help you to assist them in getting out of the relationship. 

Provided is a list of considerations and advice for effectively helping a friend who is being abused. 

• Know the facts about relationship abuse.

• Assure her that you believe her story.

• Listen and let her talk about her feelings.

• Do not judge or give advice.  Talk to her about her options.

• Physical safety is the first priority.  If you believe she is in danger, let her know that you are concerned.  Help her create a safety plan.

• Respect her right to confidentiality.

• Let her know you care and want to help.

• Don’t be upset if your friend doesn’t react the way you think she should. Let her talk about the caring aspects of the relationship as well. People who are being controlled by their partner’s behavior must consider many factors before coming to a conclusion about how to access safety. Let her make her own decisions and support her throughout the process.

Give clear messages, including:

• She does not cause the abuse.

• She is not to blame for her partner’s behavior.

• She cannot change her partner’s behavior.

• Apologies and promises are a form of manipulation.

• She is not alone.

• Abuse is not loss of control; it is a means of control.

• It is helpful to provide support to survivors.  However, there are some forms of advice that are not useful and even dangerous for her to hear:

• Don’t tell her what to do, when to leave or when not to leave.

• Don’t tell her to go back to the situation and try a little harder.

• Don’t rescue her by trying to find quick solutions.

• Don’t suggest you try to talk to her partner to straighten things out.

• Don’t place yourself in danger by confronting the abuser.

• Don’t tell her she should stay for the sake of the children.

• Never recommend couples counseling in situations of emotional or physical abuse.  It is dangerous for the woman and will not lead to a resolution that is in her interest.  

• Encourage separate counseling for the individuals, if they want counseling.

Learn how to develop a personal safety plan for yourself if you need to leave suddenly and where you can go safely for help. These tips include how to prepare to set yourself up independently, away from your abuser, both temporarily and permanently. There are also safety tips for how to better protect yourself prior to or during a physical attack. (Remember that you and your children's safety is paramount. Wherever possible enlist the help of a trained person to help you with your exit strategy.)

• What works best to keep you safe in an emergency. 

• Who you can call in a crisis. 

• If you would call the police if the violence starts again. Can you work out a signal with the children or the neighbors to call the police when you need help? 

• If you need to flee temporarily, where would you go? Think though several places where you can go in a crisis. Write down the addresses and phone numbers, and keep them with you. 

• If you need to flee your home, know the escape routes in advance. 

• Important papers such as birth certificates, social security cards, marriage and driver’s licenses, car title, lease or mortgage papers, passports, insurance information, school and health records, welfare and immigration documents, and divorce or other court documents

• Credit cards, bank account number, and ATM cards

• Some money

• An extra set of keys

• Medications and prescriptions

• Phone numbers and addresses for family, friends, doctors, lawyers, and community agencies

• Clothing and comfort items for you and the children

Statistics on the prevalence of the problem indicate that domestic violence is a worldwide epidemic. Studies show that between one quarter and one half of all women in the world have been abused by intimate partners. Worldwide, 40-70% of all female murder victims are killed by an intimate partner.