Most divorcing parents are very concerned about their child’s emotional and in some cases their physical well-being. They want to know that their marriage or relationship break-down is not going to cause any long term negative effects on their children. It is common to question choices at the crossroad in life. Many parents want to handle it the best way to ensure that their children grow up to be healthy, happy and well-adjusted.

Sociologists and psychologists are just beginning to provide reliable information about the effects of divorce on children. There are a number of important factors that should be brought to light. Research shows that the effects can depend on the age of the child at the time of divorce. The child’s gender and personality and the amount of conflict between parents figure into the picture as well as the support provided by friends and family.

Age of children
We know little about the effects of divorce on children younger than two or three years of age. Young children do not always suffer major negative effects if a divorce occurs. However, problems may occur if a close relationship or bond between a parent and child is broken. Parents should agree on parenting and childcare arrangements. The child should not grow up experiencing conflict between his or her parents.

Infants
Infants may not understand conflict, but may react to changes in parent’s energy level and mood. They can demonstrate loss of appetite or stomach upset (spitting up more).

Preschool children
Children from three to five years of age frequently believe they have caused their parents’ divorce. They might think that if they had eaten their dinner or listened when told to do so, Daddy or Mommy wouldn’t have gone away. Preschoolers may fear being left alone or abandoned. They may regress and show baby-like behavior i.e. wanting their security blanket or old toys, or in some instances they may begin wetting the bed. They may become uncooperative, depressed, or angry. Although they want and need the security an adult nearby; they may act out by being disobedient and aggressive.

School-aged children
Many psychologists believe the adjustment phase is more difficult for elementary school children than for younger or older children. School-age children are old enough to understand that they are in pain because of their parents’ separation but too young, to understand or to control their reactions to this pain. Grief, embarrassment, resentment, divided loyalty and intense anger are often prevalent. Being actively involved in play and activities with other children may help them cope with their family life situation. They may hope for their parents to get back together. Elementary aged children may also feel rejected by the parent who left and complain of headaches or stomachaches.

Adolescents
Teens also experience anger, fear, loneliness, depression and guilt. They can feel like they’re being pushed into adulthood if they must take responsibility for many new chores or care of siblings. Teens may respond to parents’ low energy level and high stress level by trying to take control over the family. Emerging sexual feelings and doubting their own ability to get married or to stay married often cause an inner turmoil for a teenager. They may understand and remember the causes leading to their parents’ separation. This ability combined with the stress of the divorce may interfere with their coping skills with respect to the changes in their family. They may also feel a real or perceived pressure to “choose” one of their parents over the other, or to fault one parent over the other for the “cause” of the divorce.

Gender effects
Some research supports the finding that boys raised by fathers and girls raised by mothers may do better than children raised by the parent of the opposite sex. In some studies, school age boys living with their fathers or in joint living arrangements seem to be less aggressive. They also appear to have fewer emotional problems than those boys who live with their mothers and have little or no contact with their fathers. Girls raised with mothers tend to be more responsible and mature than girls raised by their fathers. An important note is that regardless of gender and age of the child; the children’s adjustment following a divorce has more to do with the quality of the parent-child relationship.