“No matter how manyyears you have shared, memories of courtship, lifelong plans, and your marriageare most difficult to bear after the death of a mate. Not to mention what hasbeen left behind: children and grandchildren; dreams yet to be fulfilled. Thesememories are part of your past and the death of your spouse is something youmust deal with today. The thought of which is painful at the very least.”

When your spouse leavesyou are left with those same memories; house full of things that you may havepurchased together, wedding gifts, pictures, videos, wedding albums, etc. Ifthere are children or grandchildren from the relationship;  then you alsodeal with that aspect. The family times that will be missed or divided betweentwo households; the loss of the simplicity of a single family unit. You grievefor your childrens’ loss as well.Asa parent; your child's sadness cuts like a knife

“If your spouse hasdied, you will probably experience some of the common symptoms of grief. Youwill very likely go into shock and denial. You may experience feelings similarto what an amputee goes through, where they actually “feel” pain in the missinglimb. In the case of a lost loved one, you’ll “see” them sitting in theirfavorite chair or coming through the front door. This “phantom” pain maymanifest itself in hearing their voice calling from another room. Their cologneor perfume lingers in closets and throughout the home you shared, evokingpowerful feelings.”

When you have been in a long-termrelationship; you develop a comfort-level or even a dependency. You had becomeaccustomed to waiting for the other person to come home from work so you canhave dinner together, checking in with each other during the day occasionally,talking about the kids problems at school while you’re having coffee togetherin the morning….etc. This is especially the case when the spouse leads atotally duplicate life somewhere else with someone else. They are less inclinedto bring along pieces of furniture and sentimental items from your life withyour recently departed spouse. You are left knocking around in your maritalhome looking at all the things that you both shared; the memories can eat youup. Personally, because of the long-term relationship, I felt like half of mewas missing.

“You may feel “numb,”like a spectator watching events unfold. This is nature’s way of protecting youfrom what is happening while your life is in transition.”

The same protection kicks in whenyou suddenly feel yourself moving as if controlled by autopilot…you know youhave to keep on keeping on, but it’s a bit like you’ve removed yourself andyou’re watching someone else doing the actions.

“You may also findyourself filled with anger. You may feel angry at the doctors or nurses whocouldn’t save your spouse, or maybe even with God. You may feel anger towardyour spouse for leaving you, and then feel guilty for this anger.”

Anger is a part of the process asanyone going through this or having gone through this can attest. You can beangry at the “unfairness” of it all, at other couples that you used to gettogether with, at happy families out together at events….really anyone wholooks happy at that given time. Family events, birthdays and family reunionsbecome a chore when they really weren’t before.

“In fact, guilt can beone of the toughest feelings to overcome in your grief recovery. It is common,in transition, to feel guilty simply for being alive when someone else hasdied. You may believe you somehow could have prevented the death, or shouldhave been present to say good-bye.”

Guilt may be for your perceived partin the devastation. Perhaps you feel that if you had been a better spouse, youwould still be together. Guilt that can be amplified by difficult situationswith your children post-departure and in dealing with their anger andconfusion.

“Because relationshipsare never perfect, you undoubtedly had unresolved issues at the time of death.These can be very difficult to overcome, and many choose to seek counseling tohelp bring about closure.”

Relationships, even the best of themare not perfect. This is especially true if as a couple you have struggled withissues in the past whether resolved or not, guaranteed you will questionyourself. “Did I do all I could do?” “He/she must still love me, how can youjust stop loving someone?” These unresolved issues are no doubt a core reasonwhy many ex spouses will rendezvous again and again before calling it quitsfinally. Again, closure may be difficult without counseling.

“Powerful reactions togrief are most often unexpected by the bereaved. The effects are physical aswell as mental. The feeling of being alone causes your mind to race. You cannotsleep. You cannot think clearly. Your muscles are tense and your body aches. Itis not unusual to experience nausea, dizziness, rashes, weight loss, inaddition to difficulty in sleeping. You may become irritable or listless, feelfatigued, or short of breath. Grief has even been known to cause hair loss.“

Paralyzing and irrational thoughtsare not uncommon during the sorting out process. Loneliness, lethargy, extremefatigue, depression, restlessness and body aches can all be part of a suddendeparture of a spouse. The mental anguish can manifest itself in broadspectrum  physical pain. It is an all-encompassing painful and stressfultime and can lead to long-lasting health issues if stress levels are notaddressed.

“The acceptance of yourspouse’s death will slowly become a reality. You may think “My life will neverbe the same again.” “I cannot change what has happened to me.” “Oh God, what amI going to do now?” A course of grief recovery depends partly on your age andmostly on your individual situation.”

The world can become a large andscary place. Asyou begin to realize that your spouse is actually gone for good, there will betimes when you are certain that you will not be able to pick up the pieces andstart over. You feel powerless in the situation. Day-to-day processes are nolonger perceived as manageable because you have no one to share the burden withanymore. Having family close by or a good support system in place can go a longway to alleviating the load during this time while you get back on your feet.

“A surviving spousefrom a younger, two-income family may end up in a tight financial situation;not to mention any children to consider, as the transition to a single-parenthousehold is made.”

This one is self-explanatory. Evenif your spouse pays child-support, chances are that the financial dynamics will have to change.

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My situation may or may not bedifferent than yours. Please don’t take issue with my next statement, it’s notmeant to upset, merely a way for me to describe where I was at during this time.I often thought that if my spouse had died instead of what had all happenedover the course of 10 years, it would have been an easier process. THERE….Isaid it! When a spouse dies, your grief is eventually replaced with warm, happymemories that come flooding back. Your children are not disillusioned andwondering if they caused everything; they are justly and rightly grieving andmissing a parent. This too will be replaced with happier memories as the grieving process progresses. If you have been on a roller coaster of emotionswith your ex, you will probably always be waiting for the other shoe todrop……not so with your partner who has been called to meet his/her maker. All Iknow is what I know personally. When the bomb dropped that one evening, my lifewith him (from 17 years to 30 years old) was so intertwined that I did NOT knowup from down for a good long time. Coupled with the fact that he was foryears  after that coming through the door with those promises and thenleaving again…no wonder I think this way now. True that when a spouse dies;it’s final with no option to re-build any sort of bridges of communication andunderstanding. BUT….often times both parties are unable to or unwilling toopenly discuss matters after a marriage break-down in an honest,non-threatening manner. Perhaps I’m right with my theory, perhaps I’m “dead”wrong….I suppose for each person the process differs. You’ll be your own judgeand jury!